Standing in the Light
by goldenwanderer
Summary: A collection of songs and ficlets chronicling the life of the Mother Confessor, Kahlan Amnell.
1. Part 1

**Title: **Standing in the Light  
**Author:** goldenwanderer  
**Rating:** PG-13/T  
**Warnings:** Child abuse, sexual references, angst, slight book spoilers, AU at the end  
**Summary:** A collection of songs and short fics chronicling the life of Kahlan Amnell.

**Notes:** This fic is based off of my second fanmix, Standing in the Light, which was featured at Kahlan Night on the Confessor and Seeker Society forum, and which can also be found at my Livejournal (username: goldenwanderer, links can be found in my profile). As I have said in many places, this is a massive freaking thing. There are 50 songs here, with a short fic for each. It is divided up into four parts (four chapters here on ). To see the cover art and download the .mp3s, visit my livejournal or the CSS.

The ficlets are mostly in chronological order (though the first ficlet isn't necessarily in the timeline). They are based off of the _Legend of the Seeker_ TV show. Please keep this in mind, book fans. I am using the backstory given to Kahlan in the TV series, _not_ as in the books. (And for those of you who plan to comment on my failure to stick to book plot, I _have_ read books 1-3, and am currently working on the rest.) However, the fourth from the last ficlet contains spoilers for the end of the first book (though not exceptionally explicit spoilers). At the end of the mix, I have not followed any particular canon (so it is basically AU at the end).

I hope you will be satisfied with my own individual interpretation of Kahlan's character. I did a lot of work on this, and I hope you enjoy it. Thank you.

**Standing in the Light, a Kahlan Amnell Fanmix**

Part One

**Last of the Wilds – Nightwish  
**_Instrumental_

A woman in white stands upon the balcony of the highest tower in Aydindril. She gazes down at the city below, then raises her eyes to gaze upon the world beyond Aydindril, to all the Midlands. From here, she can see very far, though she knows that much still lies beyond her sight. She sighs, half wishing she could see all the world from here.

"Mother Confessor?"

A voice from behind her startles her. _See all the world?_ She nearly laughs at her own thoughts. _I can hardly see what comes in through my own door_. "What is it?" she asks.

"Your supper is ready, Mother Confessor," says the serving woman. "When you're ready."

She does not need to turn around to know that the serving woman is leaving. The door shuts slowly, quietly, but she takes no more notice of it than she did the announcement that her supper is ready. She gazes out at the world once again. It seems all she ever does is gaze.

"I suppose I will go eat, then," she tells herself. But she does not move right away. She wishes again, absently, that she could see all the world from her windowsill. Perhaps then she would be able to do what needed to be done to protect her people.

She chides herself internally. _There is more to knowing than seeing_, she thinks, repeating an old phrase that her mother used to say to her. _I doubt that all the seeing in the world would help me much at all_.

She moves away from the window at last, turning to mind to significantly less important, but much less troubling matters, such as what would be on her plate this evening.

**Now Three – Vienna Teng  
**_Strangest beauty cries,  
One and one, by and by,  
Now three of us here lie._

_Love, love, love for one so small,  
Come fill me up, up, up 'til I can't see at all.  
I want to be blind, only my heart to guide me.  
Gather all the world inside me._

Kahlan darts past her father without sparing a second glance for him. Her eyes are only for her mother and the thing resting in her lap. With a cry, Kahlan leaps up onto the bed beside her mother.

"Kahlan, be careful! Your sister is sleeping!" Alana Amnell whispers sharply to her two-year-old daughter.

"Sorry, Mommy," Kahlan says. "She my sister?" she adds, pointing to the baby on Alana's lap.

"Yes, dear one," says Alana. "This is Dennee, your baby sister? Don't you remember her? She came only a few days ago."

Kahlan nods. She leans in closer, careful not to touch her mother or the baby. Mommy has said she can't hurt her or Father or Dennee, but Kahlan doesn't want to touch them anyway. Sometimes when she touches people, something happens that makes her shake and fall over. It's very scary.

But she isn't thinking about that now; she is too busy looking at the baby. She has a tiny bit of blonde hair, like Mommy. Kahlan has dark brown hair, like Father. Kahlan has always liked blonde hair. She wishes she could have it too, so she could be just like Mommy.

For a moment, Kahlan forgets her fear of touching people, just long enough for her to lean in to give her sister a small kiss. "That was very nice, Kahlan," says Alana when she's finished.

Kahlan smiles up at her. "I love my sister," she says, in the longest sentence she has ever spoken before. She likes it here, with Mommy and Dennee. It's perfect.

**Imaginary (Origin Version) – Evanescence  
**_Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming  
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights  
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming  
The goddess of imaginary light_

Even when she's very, very sad, or very, very frightened, Kahlan refuses to leave her room to climb into bed with Dennee. (It wouldn't have bothered her to climb into bed with Mommy, but she doesn't like to think about that – it only makes her even more sad and more frightened.) She is five years old after all – much too big to crawl into bed with her younger sister.

But she is always very glad when Dennee climbs in bed beside her. Then Kahlan can hold her close without feeling too silly. It always makes Kahlan feel better when Dennee is beside her.

Tonight, Dennee's face is red and blotchy when she comes in; she must have been crying again. Kahlan wipes her eyes before Dennee can see her properly. She won't let Dennee see that she was crying. She does nearly every night, but Dennee doesn't need to know. Kahlan is the big sister, and Mommy always said Dennee looked up to her. And now that Mommy's gone, Kahlan has to take care of Dennee.

"Kahlan," Dennee sobs, scrambling under the covers of Kahlan's bed. "Kahlan," she says again, her voice cracked from crying.

Kahlan wishes she could tell Dennee that everything is all right. But she is a Confessor, and Mommy always said that Confessors don't tell lies – they get rid of them. Another tear falls unbidden down's Kahlan's cheek as she reaches to hug Dennee to her. She tries to blink it back, but it falls anyway, and she has no hands to wipe it away.

She struggles to find something to say to comfort her sister, but she can't think of anything. Finally, Kahlan whispers the only truthful thing she can think of: "You're safe now, Dennee. You're safe with me."

The tears start falling again; she doesn't try to stop them this time.

**Watch Over Me – Bernard Fanning  
**_So say you'll watch over me  
When I'm in too deep  
Tell me you'll always be  
There to pull me free  
There to rescue me_

Mother always told her that she must never lie. Kahlan doesn't like to lie. She especially doesn't like the idea of lying to Dennee.

Of all the lies Kahlan will ever tell, only one other will hurt as much as this one.

But it is necessary. She can't let Dennee touch their father with her power. He may be one of the most horrible people in the world, but he is still their father. And Kahlan does not believe that she could live with herself if either she or Dennee put the man under Confessor control, again.

So as painful as it is, she lies to Dennee. She tells Dennee that if she ever touches Father with her power, she will leave and never come back. She would never do that to Dennee, of course, but she won't let Dennee hurt him. Dennee's tears at the thought of her sister leaving pierce Kahlan's heart. It is right at that moment that Kahlan determines just how much she hates lies.

Dennee is angry with Kahlan for a while after Kahlan's promise. She cannot understand why her sister would get so upset over the idea of using the Confessor power on their father. After all, he was under that power all of their lives. Why should it bother Kahlan so much to think of him under the power again?

But after a while, Dennee realizes how scared she is of Kahlan leaving. She clings to her sister for days, as though to make sure she can't get up and walk away.

One night, Dennee swears to Kahlan that she won't ever touch Father with her power. But she makes Kahlan swear that if Dennee behaves, Kahlan will always stay by her side. "Don't leave me," she whispers to Kahlan. "Please don't ever leave me."

Kahlan wishes so dearly to tell Dennee that she will never leave her, no matter what. But she can't, not now. "As long as you don't hurt Father," she whispers, her heart breaking as she says it. Her love for Dennee is not conditional, but there is no way to communicate that without nullifying her promise. "I love you, Dennee."

"Forever and always?" Dennee asks, looking up into Kahlan's eyes.

"Always and forever," Kahlan answers. That is the truth, and she hopes Dennee never forgets it.

**Desperate – David Archuleta  
**_You're reachin' out,  
And no one hears your cry.  
You're freakin' out again  
'Cause all your fears remind you.  
Another dream has come undone.  
You feel so small and lost  
Like you're the only one.  
You wanna scream,  
'Cause you're desperate_

"No! I won't do it!" Kahlan never used to shout, but it seems like it's all she does anymore.

"What did you say?" asks her father, stepping toward her, a menacing look on his face. When Kahlan doesn't answer right away, he takes another step toward her. "Well?"

"I won't do it," says Kahlan. Her voice doesn't sound nearly as confident as she wishes it were.

Her father walks toward her until he is only an inch or so from her face. Out of the corner of her eye, Kahlan can see Dennee cowering in the corner of the room, her face filled with fear. "Do you want to say that to me again, girl?" demands their father, his eyes focused on Kahlan's.

Kahlan summons up all of her courage and puts on her bravest face. "He hasn't done anything wrong. Confessors don't touch people who haven't done anything wrong, unless they're trying to kill us." She knows that her father isn't going to listen, but she has to try.

A firm backhand swing across her face knocks Kahlan to the ground. She forces herself to keep her hands away from the place where her father's hand made contact with her cheek. Father steps forward and pulls Kahlan violently onto her feet. "You'll do as I say, or you'll regret it, girl."

Kahlan hears Dennee's soft cries from the corner, but she doesn't let herself cry. "I won't," she says again, staring right into her father's face.

She struggles only a little as her father pulls a rope from his pocket and begins to bind her hands with it. The rope digs into her hands, but that isn't what makes it most uncomfortable. A Confessor's greatest protection is her ability to reach out and touch someone. Kahlan knows the power can work through any part of her body, but to have her hands bound feels like she is being left without any protection at all.

But she is careful to restrain her power as her father binds her hands. She looks over to Dennee, who has begun to move away from the corner. She shakes her head, warning Dennee not to come closer, as though reminding her of what she has promised will happen if Dennee touches Father with her power.

When he has finished with the rope, he hits Kahlan again, sending her to the floor again. "You _will_ do as I say," he says. "And don't you try to untie her, or it'll be the same for you," he adds, turning to Dennee. Then he walks away, leaving the two sisters alone in the room, helpless and afraid.

**Give Unto Me – Evanescence  
**_All I want from you is your hurting  
I want to heal you  
I want to save you from the dark_

_Give unto me your troubles  
I'll endure your suffering  
Place onto me your burden  
I'll drink your deadly poison_

When she stumbles, weary, into the room, Dennee is surprised to see that Kahlan has not moved. Her hands are still bound, as they were when she left, and Dennee can see the red marks left behind from her father's hands. Kahlan is lying in exactly the same position that she had been in when Dennee left. Quickly, summoning all of her strength, Dennee rushes over to her sister. She shakes Kahlan awake, whispering her name over and over. She doesn't bother to unbind Kahlan's hands, knowing it will do no good.

"Kahlan, are you all right?" she asks as her sister's eyes begin to open at last.

It takes Kahlan's eyes a moment to adjust and come to rest on Dennee's face. "Dennee?" she mutters. She tries to move, but is unsuccessful. Dennee has never seen Kahlan in such pain before.

"I'm here, Kahlan," says Dennee, vaguely aware of how strange it sounds for her to be comforting Kahlan, rather than the other way around. "Are you all right?"

Kahlan doesn't answer the question. She never answers when Dennee asks her how she is doing. "Did you do it?" she asks instead.

Dennee nods. "Of course," she says. They always end up doing what Father asks, in the end.

"I'm sorry," Kahlan whispers. "I meant to do it; I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," says Dennee. "You don't have to do everything."

Kahlan shakes her head. "I don't want you to have to do any of it. You don't deserve it."

"And you do?" Dennee has heard Kahlan speaking this way before. She has grown quite tired of hearing it.

Kahlan doesn't answer that either. "I'll try harder next time. You shouldn't have to worry about doing it."

"You will _not_ try harder next time," Dennee tells her firmly. "Just look what trying got you this time." Father has been hitting them for years, but this was the worst Dennee has ever seen. "I know you're pretending it doesn't matter, that it doesn't hurt at all. But it _does_ matter, Kahlan. I know you don't want me confessing people when I don't have to, but I'd rather do that then see you hurt like this again."

"But I _want_ to keep you from having to confess innocent people," says Kahlan. "I know how painful it is. I'd rather do it and spare you the trouble."

"You've told me that a thousand times," says Dennee. "But you have to let me do it once in a while or you'll only cause _yourself_ more trouble."

Kahlan sighs. Dennee knows that she hasn't won the battle. She knows Kahlan will never give up trying to take Dennee's burdens from her. But at the very least, she's given up arguing for now.

**In The Light – Full Blown Rose  
**_Winter winds have gone and faded  
I told the skies of thoughts of gray  
Tears upon my pillow laying  
A child lost to pain  
I pray for better days_

_Lift me up  
Lead me from this place  
Let your love be mercy on my face  
Rising up, I changed before your eyes  
Out of darkness, standing in the light_

She lies on the cold, hard floor. She is weary. She is broken.

The sounds of her sister's breathing nearby provide something to hold on to. She dare not sleep, for fear that she will not wake again. She would not mind never waking again, if it would free her from this place. But her sister needs her. And so she must remain.

She rises slowly from the ground. She moves silently to the small window. It is dark outside. The world sleeps, unknowing that a child waits in the silence. She cannot see very far, and the stars have hidden themselves from her view.

She always holds it all in, all her sadness, all her anger, all her fear, all her pain. But tonight she can hold it no longer. She does not scream, for that would wake her sister. But the tears begin to fall freely down her face, covering the red marks where her father's hands have been.

She mutters a single word – why. Nothing is there to answer her. And so the tears continue to fall.

She thinks longingly of her mother, whose death seems little more than an ancient memory, clouded by time. She knows that Mother would never have let this happen to them. She does not want to blame Mother for their trouble, but the thought crosses her mind anyway.

She does not know whether her mother can hear her, but she does not dare speak louder than a whisper, or else wake her sister. She quietly cries out for help, for salvation. She cannot bear to be here any longer.

For above all, she longs to be finally free.

**Tangled – Maroon 5  
**_There is nothing left to say to you  
That you wanna hear  
That you wanna know  
I think I should go  
The things I've done are way too shameful_

The other Confessors tell Kahlan and Dennee that their father will be punished for his actions. He has committed crimes, not only against children, but against Confessors, and he must pay for what he has done. They will not tell Kahlan and Dennee what will happen to him. They seem to want Kahlan and Dennee to be protected.

But Kahlan doesn't believe she deserves it. If anything, she ought to be punished as much as Father. She, too, has committed great wrongs. She does not deserve to be protected.

They only stay in Aydindril for a few days, while everything is sorted out. Or really, while the Confessors pull every last detail about the past six years out of Kahlan and Dennee. They want to know everything that happened, exactly as it happened. Speaking about it only reminds Kahlan of what she has done, and makes her feel even worse. In one sense, she is free at last, free from her father's grasp. But her heart is bound in chains of shame and guilt.

At last, when the other Confessors have learned all there is to know, the Mother Confessor – Serena, who became Mother Confessor after the death of Kahlan and Dennee's mother – decides that the girls must be taken to Thandor for the time being. In time, she says, they will return to Aydindril to learn to be proper Confessors, but they have been through a terrible ordeal, and there is no one better to help them heal than the Sisters of Light.

Kahlan goes with Dennee to Thandor, but only because the Mother Confessor said it must be so, and because it will be good for Dennee. Kahlan does not know much about the Sisters of Light, but from what she has been told, they can help Dennee recover from this trying time.

She does not take the time to consider that they could also help her. She isn't worthy of that.

**Lift – Shannon Noll  
**_I know you're hurting  
Feels like you're learning  
'Bout life the hard way  
And it ain't working_

_Seems like forever  
That you've been falling  
It's time to move on  
Your life is calling, yeah_

"Kahlan?"

Startled, Kahlan looks up to see who has spoken. She returns to reading her book when she sees that it is just one of the Sisters of Light. Of all the Sisters of Light, Dalia has paid the most attention to Kahlan since her arrival, and in Kahlan's mind, is one of the kindest people she has ever known. But she does not feel like talking to Dalia today.

"Kahlan, dear?" asks Dalia, coming closer to stand next to Kahlan. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," says Kahlan, not looking up from her book. But she knows Dalia won't believe her. Kahlan knows a thing or two about lying, and avoiding someone's gaze is a sure way to show them that you're lying.

But Dalia does not say anything against it. Instead, she sits down on the bench beside Kahlan. For a little while, she does not say anything at all. Kahlan watches her out of the corner of her eye, and all Dalia does is sit and stare out at the fields that make up part of Thandor.

"Kahlan, is something troubling you?" Dalia asks after a while, speaking quietly. When Kahlan looks up again, Dalia is watching her intently.

She does not answer right away, but Dalia's gaze always makes her feel guilty if she doesn't respond truthfully. "I suppose," she says. "But I don't know what, exactly."

Dalia smiles. "There's nothing wrong with not knowing exactly what bothers us," she says. "Sometimes, we _do_ know what's bothering us, but sometimes, we're just troubled, for no reason that we can understand."

Kahlan nods. As she looks at Dalia, she is comforted by the woman's smile, and just by her presence. Hesitantly, she asks, "Dalia, do you mind staying with me for a little while? I know you've got other duties to attend to…"

"I would _love_ to stay with you, Kahlan," Dalia interrupts. "For as long as you want me."

This time, it is Kahlan's turn to smile.

**Problem Girl – Rob Thomas  
**_Don't let 'em get where they're going to  
You know they're only what they think of you  
You heard of this emotional trickery  
And you felt like you were learning the ropes  
But where you're going now you don't know_

_When they all make you feel  
Like you're a problem girl  
Remember  
You're no problem at all_

The Sisters of Light treat Kahlan and Dennee with respect, care, and compassion. They know just what to say to the two of them to make them feel at home, and to give them the support they need to recover from what their father did to them. In fact, in Kahlan's mind, the Sisters of Light have become more than parents to her and to Dennee.

Only one problem still exists: she and Dennee are not the only children in Thandor, but they might as well be for all that the other children try to associate with them.

Kahlan cannot say she blames the other children. It is one thing for the Sisters of Light to care for two young Confessors who have been mistreated; they understand that the girls can control their power, and they are willing to look past that to see the people behind the power. But the other children only see Confessors when they look at Kahlan and Dennee. Each of the other children has some other gift that sets them apart, but the other children were not raised to fear those strange magical gifts. They _were_ raised to fear Confessors, and Kahlan sees it evidenced every day.

One day, she tries to talk to a boy who is sitting by himself while the other children play a game. He looks lonely, and she doesn't like it when people feel alone – she knows that feeling all too well. But the moment she approaches, the boy gets up and moves away. He hurries to join the game. But the children will not let Kahlan join as well; they don't want a Confessor getting too close to them. She might get upset and hurt someone.

For a while, this bothers Kahlan more than it should, and she knows it bothers Dennee as well. But as time goes on, it begins to bother her less and less, as she begins to understand that this is the life for which she, as a Confessor, is destined. Confessors are friends with Confessors, and only with Confessors. She was born for a higher purpose than many of these children – to seek out and preserve truth and justice – but at the cost of losing so many things normal people take for granted.

After a while, she ignores the other children's treatment of her and her sister. They can act however they like. She will keep her head up as much as possible, no matter what the others think of her.

**My Little Phoenix – Tarja Turunen  
**_Gracefully she's circling higher.  
She has the wind beneath her wings  
and looks down on us  
She said:  
"Robbed of my innocence, had no more time to play.  
I sure got my feathers burned, but I'm stronger than the flames"_

_Here she comes  
rose again from the flames  
my little Phoenix_

"It's an honor to have you here, Confessor," says Dalia, bowing slightly to the woman who has only just arrived at Thandor. "May I ask why we have the pleasure of welcoming you here today?"

The Confessor nods. "The Mother Confessor sent me," she says. "By our records, the Amnell sisters have been here for five years now, and if they are ready, she would like them to return to Aydindril. It is time for them to learn to be proper Confessors."

"Of course," says Dalia. "Would you like to see the girls?" The Confessor can only know if the girls are ready if she has met them face to face.

The Confessor nods again. "Take me to them," she says.

She follows Dalia through Thandor, all the way to the small home where Kahlan and Dennee Amnell have been staying for the past five years. It isn't much, but none of the children's homes are particularly grandiose. The Sisters of Light prefer the children to live simply, just as they do, and the children seem to enjoy it just fine.

Inside, Dalia immediately finds Kahlan sitting at the table, reading a book. The girl looks up as the Sister of Light and the Confessor enter. No longer a child, but a young woman of sixteen, Kahlan has become very beautiful, though she would never admit it to anyone. Upon seeing the visitors, Kahlan shuts her book and stands, only slightly wary. Despite her best efforts, Dalia has not been able to get Kahlan to be very trusting most of the time. She expects that once she has become a Confessor again, this will only get worse.

"Confessor, this is Kahlan Amnell," says Dalia, beginning introductions. "Kahlan, this is Confessor Marta. She has come to see you and Dennee."

"It is an honor to meet you, Confessor," says Kahlan. "Should I go fetch my sister? I think she's outside somewhere." She addresses this more to Dalia than to Confessor Marta.

"Yes, please do," says Dalia, and without another word, Kahlan moves past them and out the door. For a moment, silence follows her departure.

"She seems like a healthy child," Confessor Marta says at last. "Has she become emotionally stable since she arrived? I heard about what happened to her as a child," she adds after a moment.

Dalia nods. "I believe so," she says. "She still has a ways to go yet, but she has grown a great deal these past five years. She survived things that no other child should have to face, and she's come out of it with strength and grace."

"Excellent," says Confessor Marta. "If she's anything like her mother, she'll make an excellent Confessor." Dalia did not know Kahlan's mother, but she imagines that what Confessor Marta says is correct. Kahlan _will_ make an excellent Confessor.

She only hopes that Kahlan will make an excellent human being, as well.


	2. Part 2

Part Two

**Open Up Your Eyes – Jeremy Camp  
**_Can you sense the feeling that there's more than what you know?  
It's a fire that burns within that only seems to grow_

_And the time has come to realize  
And see the plan you've been designed for  
So face the fear of all unknown  
And see the heart inside  
So open up your eyes_

"You know, I think you'd make a perfect Confessor for a Seeker," says Dennee one afternoon.

Kahlan stops, surprised, and turns to look at Dennee. They are in the great library of the Confessor's Palace in Aydindril. Kahlan has been looking for something to read for the last quarter of an hour. Dennee, meanwhile, has been rereading a book of facts and legends about past Seekers.

"What?" asks Kahlan.

Dennee lifts her head to look at Kahlan; she must have spoken while her nose was still buried in the book. In fact, she looks almost surprised that Kahlan said anything. It takes her a moment to recover herself, then she says, in an extremely casual voice, "Oh, I only said you'd make a good Confessor for a Seeker. That's all."

"And what makes you say that?"

"Well, several of the Confessors in this book sound quite a bit like you," says Dennee. "They're all brave, loyal, kind, and not afraid to give of themselves for what they believe in."

"And you think that sounds like me?"

"Yes, I do," says Dennee. "Especially the last bit," she adds, smirking.

Kahlan doesn't say anything in response. She is more than a little taken aback by her sister's words. Dennee has always been quick to compliment Kahlan, but to compare her with past Confessors who stood with the Seeker of Truth was another matter entirely.

"Maybe that's what you're destined for, Kahlan," says Dennee. "We're certainly in need of a new Seeker, and you'd do the job as his Confessor better than anyone I know."

"I doubt that," says Kahlan. "There are other Confessors in Aydindril who are more qualified than I to become a Seeker's Confessor. Besides," she adds quickly, before Dennee can argue, "we don't know if there will even _be_ a Seeker in our lifetime."

"Well, if there is, I still think you should do the job," says Dennee. Then, before Kahlan can argue again, she goes back to her reading, leaving Kahlan to ponder her words (and resume her search for a book) in silence.

**Shelter – Sarah McLachlan  
**_I can't sleep - haunted by their faces  
The sadness in their eyes  
It hurts so much to see them helpless  
It makes me want to cry  
But still there is so much left unanswered  
For so many innocent lives  
They closed the door and are letting nobody in  
And only the strong will survive_

_I've seen the anger and I've seen all the dreams  
And I've watched their existence torn apart at the seams  
And though I may seem helpless  
I will do all that I can do_

The life of a Confessor is never easy.

Every time she steps outside her front door, Kahlan sees pain and suffering wherever she goes. She always has. While there is good in the world – and Kahlan knows that there is – all she ever seems to see is the pain, the fear, and the sadness.

The people of the Midlands are suffering, and Kahlan cannot escape it, no matter where she turns. Much of it stems from Darken Rahl and his D'Haran forces. They torment the people of the Midlands to no end. But sometimes, the troubles come from within the people themselves – the kind of trouble that would exist with or without Darken Rahl. Kahlan knows that she can't take it away, but it pains her to see her people like this.

She is a Confessor; she is supposed to be a force for truth, for justice. But there never seems to be anything she can do to help. When all she sees is suffering, it makes her suffer inside.

_But I will do something. Whatever I have to do, I'll do. I'm going to free my people, somehow._

The life of a Confessor is never easy.

**Hero – Nickelback  
**_And they say that a hero could save us.  
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.  
I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles.  
Watch as we all fly away_

Shouts and the clanging sound of steel against steel fill the rooms and corridors of the Wizard's Keep. Confessors run here and there, some being followed by and some chasing D'Haran soldiers. No Confessor dares use her power against anyone, knowing that if she does, she will not have the energy to fight, and no one man can stand against many.

In the midst of the fight, Kahlan finishes off a pair of D'Haran soldiers. She is preparing to go on to find more to kill, but a voice behind her stops her, causing her to wheel about in self-defense.

"Be at peace, Kahlan, it is only I," says Serena, the Mother Confessor. She holds her hands up in a gesture of surrender. Kahlan immediately lowers her knives once she recognizes a friend, rather than a foe.

"What is it, Mother Confessor?" she asks. "There are still many more to find and kill; I should go."

"Yes, you should," says the Mother Confessor. "But not to kill more D'Harans, not yet."

"What?" asks Kahlan, surprised. She realizes suddenly that she is out of breath.

The Mother Confessor glances around to see if anyone is there, then pulls out a small bundle. "Kahlan, we cannot win this fight. Darken Rahl's forces are too powerful. The only way for us to survive is to get out of here, now."

Kahlan feels a pang of disappointment, but knows that retreat may indeed be necessary. However, she suddenly realizes that the Mother Confessor does not seem to have finished. She is still holding out the bundle, for one thing. "What do you require of me, Mother Confessor?" she asks.

The Mother Confessor looks at her, a very serious expression on her face, and holds the bundle out to her. "In this bundle is the Book of Counted Shadows," she says.

"What?" breathes Kahlan, shocked.

"It is time, Kahlan," says the Mother Confessor. "The time has come for the Seeker to arise. And I want you to find him."

"Me?" asks Kahlan, still stunned.

"Yes," the Mother Confessor answers. "You and Dennee, perhaps. Now, listen carefully: I need the two of you to go to Westland. There, you will find the wizard Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander. He will help you find the Seeker. Only he knows who it is."

"Westland?" asks Kahlan. "But, that's not possible… the boundary…"

"… can be broken through," says the Mother Confessor. "The wizard did it over 20 years ago, with the aid of a Nightwisp. You will take Shar – she has been a friend to me for many years, and she will serve you well." She pulls out something small from under her dress – a small container housing a Nightwisp. "But you must hurry. Once Rahl learns that the book is not here, he will go looking for you."

She pushes the book and the Nightwisp into Kahlan's hands. "Go, Kahlan. Find Dennee, and hurry."

"Yes, Mother Confessor," says Kahlan, bowing slightly. Then she turns and hurries off to find Dennee, making sure to tuck the book and Shar safely into a place where they will be hidden. Apparently, she has a long way to go. For the Seeker must rise, and it seems that Kahlan and Dennee are to be the key to that.

**This Is Not The End – The Bravery  
**_Not even earth can hold us  
Not even life controls us  
Not even the ground can keep us down  
The memories in my head  
Are just as real the time we spent  
You'll always be close to me  
My friend  
This is not the end_

The sound of a single arrow sends Kahlan's world spiraling downward.

She turns slowly, afraid to see what she knew she must see. Dennee falls forward, barely able to hold onto her horse's reins. For that instant, all thoughts of the mission are abandoned. All that remains is a need to get her sister to safety. She does not try to comprehend what has just happened; it is all happening too fast.

"Hold on, Dennee!" she shouts. "Stay with me! We're almost there!" She cries out because she has to believe that Dennee will be all right. She just _has_ to.

Before Kahlan has time to think, Dennee is falling off her horse and tumbling down, down, down over the sand toward the water below. Leaping off her own horse, Kahlan runs after her, not caring that they are still being followed by the quad. She meets Dennee by the water's edge. She calls out Dennee's name, but her sister is hardly responsive.

"Take it," breathes Dennee. "Take the book. Find him."

Kahlan is suddenly reminded of the mission. She has no idea how she could have forgotten it so easily. Dennee pushes the book, safe in its cover, into Kahlan's hands. "This is more important than me," she says when Kahlan does not respond right away. "You know that."

She _does_ know it, and it cuts to the core of who she is. A minute ago, they were both on a life-or-death journey to find the Seeker; Kahlan had not comprehended until now that there was actually a good chance one of them _would_ die. Her heart is breaking, watching her little sister like this. And for the first time, Dennee seems to care more for the mission than anything else – usually that is Kahlan's job.

"Please, Kahlan," Dennee moans. She hardly has any life left in her, but she gazes up at Kahlan in peace. She is ready to go, Kahlan realizes. She recognizes the look in Dennee's eyes – Dennee is putting her trust in Kahlan.

With a breaking heart, Kahlan mutters the only words she can think of to say good-bye. "May the spirits protect you, little sister."

"Kahlan…" Dennee is looking up toward the top of the sand hill, where the quad has arrived, and is staring down at them. Kahlan knows what Dennee is saying – it's time to run.

"Go," Dennee whispers. "Go." Kahlan leans down and gives her sister a quick kiss, wondering how it could have come to this. Then, with a last look, Kahlan stands up and begins to run. She never dreamed that she would run away from her sister at the time of her death. But if she doesn't, she will join Dennee, and all will be lost.

And so she runs.

**Ever Dream – Nightwish  
**_Would you do it with me  
Heal the scars and change the stars  
Would you do it for me  
Turn loose the heaven within_

_Ever felt away with me  
Just once that all I need  
Entwined in finding you one day_

He appears out of nowhere, a mystery savior. It takes Kahlan a moment to understand why this man is attempting to defend her – she is no longer in the Midlands, and this man probably does not know what a Confessor is. Nevertheless, he is foolish to take on four armed men without any weapons at all.

And yet, he manages to save her life. Without him, she would be dead on the end of a D'Haran soldier's sword. Yet she does not have the time to thank him. Her task is simple, and she has given too much to be stopped now. She must find the Seeker, deliver the book. She has no time to deal with a Westland man who knows nothing of her, her powers, or her mission. She is grateful for her life, but she has no time to be thankful now.

It is to her great surprise that he arrives at the same place as she later that night, only just moments after the great wizard has found himself some clothes. She believes him a nuisance again, a silly boy who managed to get himself ill after defending her life. After the wizard cures him, she wants to be taken to the Seeker… only to be told that the boy in front of her is the one she seeks.

Kahlan's world is rocked at this news. This boy is the Seeker? He doesn't even know what a Confessor is, and he is expected to be the hero of the Midlands?

For a moment, she is too stunned to say or do anything. Then, rather than show her shock at the news, she focuses her emotions into anger at the wizard. How could he have let this boy grow up without ever knowing anything about his destiny?

As they explain to Richard about Darken Rahl, the prophecy, and his destiny as the true Seeker, Kahlan can't help thinking about that afternoon, when Richard saved her from the quad. She had been so busy looking for the Seeker that she didn't see him.

It has become a regular occurrence for Kahlan, looking so hard for something that she misses what's right in front of her. This day has brought her destiny, and she has no idea.

**The Call – Regina Spektor  
**_Just because everything's changing  
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before  
All you can do is try to know who your friends are  
As you head off to the war  
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light  
You'll come back when it's over  
No need to say goodbye_

It takes the death of his father to finally convince Richard that he has to defeat Darken Rahl.

Or, more accurately, it takes Zedd's careful use of words about the death of Richard's father to convince him that he has to defeat Rahl. Zedd isn't manipulative at all with his words; he just points out the reasons why defeating Rahl is so important.

Kahlan watches the whole thing without saying a word. She might have spoken, only she has nothing to say. She knows the pain Richard is going through at the moment. It is the same pain she feels about Dennee's death.

But Kahlan feels a strange sensation after Zedd reminds Richard that he has not lost everything, that he still has Zedd and Kahlan. She does not know what the sensation is. Perhaps it is because he is the first true Seeker in the last thousand years, and despite her unworthiness, she has been chosen as his Confessor. But somehow, she thinks it may be more than that.

Finally, Richard chooses to accept his mission. And as she gives to him the Sword of Truth, and he raises it high for the world to see that the Seeker has arisen at last, she cannot help but have hope. There is hope for the Midlands, and for the rest of the world. She needs no hope for herself, but it floods through her veins nonetheless.

**The Three Hunters – Howard Shore  
**_Instrumental_

Sitting with two men who are next to complete strangers, Kahlan can't help but feeling slightly awkward. It isn't that she dislikes either man; it's just that… well, she isn't used to being so close to two men who don't seem to really be afraid of her. She's never gotten close enough to men to really get to know them well. She's heard other Confessors talk about the ways of men, but few of them ever really get to observe men at this close a distance.

The wizard, Zedd, understands what Kahlan is, and what she can do, but he also knows she would never hurt a wizard. Besides, if he thought she was going to hurt him, he could just use magic to keep her more than an arm's length away from him at all times. But she doubts the old man would ever do that. He seems to be more concerned with enjoying himself and taking care of Richard than much of anything else – though, she has to admit, he has been quite committed to the mission thus far.

Richard, on the other hand, knows nothing of Kahlan or her power, other than that she has some sort of magic that she used against someone during their first meeting. He has not asked her about it, except for that one time before she knew he was the Seeker, and she hasn't bothered to tell him any more about it. So Richard is unafraid of Kahlan, simply because of ignorance. It's strange to Kahlan, sitting next to a man who has never heard of Confessors before.

A strange little group they make – the wizard, the Confessor, and Seeker who knows next to nothing about magic or the Midlands. And yet, here they are, preparing to hunt for and kill Darken Rahl. A band of three hunters sitting around their campfire, waiting for the hunt to begin – that's what this reminds Kahlan of, though she has never been on a hunt. They all bring their individual strengths and weaknesses to the group. She can only hope that the strengths will outweigh the weaknesses. Otherwise, all may be lost.

But for now, Kahlan tries to get over the awkwardness that is inevitably a part of the group's mood – at least until they have gotten to know each other better. She listens to Zedd's stories, advice, and poor jokes, and is almost glad to find that she and Richard seem to think the same kinds of things about what Zedd says. She is beginning to like these two men, whatever flaws they have.

A strange group they may be, but a good group, nonetheless.

**World On Fire – Sarah McLachlan  
**_Hearts are worn in these dark ages  
You're not alone in this story's pages  
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying  
And I'll try to hold it in, yeah I'll try to hold it in_

_The world's on fire and  
It's more than I can handle  
I'll tap into the water  
Try and bring my share  
I try to bring more  
More than I can handle  
Bring it to the table  
Bring what I am able_

After Richard saves her life for the second time in the course of a few days, Kahlan finally realizes that there are some things in this world she cannot do for herself.

She has always been a very independent person, determined to do whatever needs to be done by herself, usually for the sake of others. When she was a child, she tried to do all the dirty work to protect Dennee. As she grew, she always did everything for herself, not wanting to count on others to do things for her. It has always been part of her nature.

And now, she has to become dependent on this man, the Seeker. She _knows_ that he is destined to save the world, but she has a harder time actually letting him _do_ it. She would rather do all the work to get him to Darken Rahl, then let him finish the job, as the prophecy says he will do. But it seems as though that isn't going to be the case. And though she doesn't say anything about it to Richard, she is having a bit of a hard time with that.

She was obvious about it the first time he saved her life; she made it clear that it was actually _she_ who had saved _his_ life, and not the other way around. The second time, it is very obvious that it was he who was doing the saving. After Confessing the captain of the attacking soldiers, she had no more energy, and it was only Richard's bravery that granted her her life.

But even though she has to accept her dependence on Richard, Kahlan is determined that she is not going to let him do all the work for her. She is still going to do everything within her power to insure that Richard gets a chance to kill Darken Rahl. And there is nothing Richard can do to stop her.

**Crash and Burn – Savage Garden  
**_When you feel all alone  
And a loyal friend is hard to find  
You're caught in a one way street  
With the monsters in your head_

_Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night  
If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart  
If you need to crash then crash and burn  
You're not alone_

Sometimes Richard is just so… frustrating.

He has a destiny, and yet he usually chooses to put himself at risk to help some cause he barely knows anything about. He's quick to rush into anything, and he has an unavoidable hero complex, complete with the need to rescue anyone in distress. Yes, Kahlan will admit, this is what a Seeker is supposed to be, but his ultimate goal is to defeat Darken Rahl, and he cannot do that if he gets killed saving someone else.

Still, Kahlan is not about to give up on him, even when he's being stupid. She tries her best to talk him out of things, but he never listens. Nevertheless, she follows him, and often ends up risking her own life to save his. She only hopes he recognizes what she does for him, not for her own gratification, but because hopefully he'll be motivated to be a little more careful next time.

Yes, sometimes Richard is frustrating. But then, sometimes, he is also very pleasant to be around. She enjoys being able to tease him about his hero complex, and even defending him when he goes and does something stupid can be satisfying. She's never had a friend like him before, and it's a new and altogether exciting experience.

It is because of this – and because Richard is the Seeker – that Kahlan can justify her dedication to keeping him safe. It's a little strange to think that she is defending the Seeker, and at the same time, making a new friend. It makes her world just a little bit brighter.

**The Walk – Imogen Heap  
**_Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,  
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,  
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,  
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on._

_It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,  
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,  
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,  
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault._

Kahlan has no idea when it started, but somewhere along the way, Richard stopped being just the Seeker. He has become so much more than just her newest and most important mission. He has become just… _Richard_. And not in a way that makes Kahlan feel at all comfortable with the situation.

She doesn't know when he started to look so handsome. Somewhere in her head, she knows that his appearance hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is her perspective. Suddenly she can't get enough of watching Richard, especially when he smiles.

No, she realizes, this is not good. This is not good at all.

Kahlan has never really been exposed to a true love relationship but she knows enough to know what this is: a crush. And that scares her. She isn't supposed to have crushes. She's a Confessor; she isn't destined for love, because she can never truly have it. It is bad enough that she will one day have to ruin a man's life by taking him as a mate; she could not ever bring herself to stomach what would happen if she tried to be with a man she cared for.

Somewhere, deep down inside, she _knows_ that she should tell him her secret. He's the first person Kahlan has ever met who doesn't know about a Confessor's power, and what exactly it does to people. She has never needed to worry about a man getting too close to her before, because they all shy away out of fear. And that is the reason she _hasn't_ told Richard her secret yet – he doesn't fear her. Most Confessors only have friends among the order; she is fortunate to have Richard, and she fears losing his friendship almost more than she fears what she could do to him.

So Kahlan hides away not only her secret, but her feelings as well. Perhaps, if she is careful enough, those feelings will go away, and she can simply treasure Richard's friendship. Or perhaps it is more than she can ask for.

**Permanent – David Cook  
**_I know he's living in hell every single day  
And so I ask oh god is there some way for me to take his place  
And when they say it's all touch and go I wish I could make it go away  
But still you say  
Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?  
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head  
I'm permanent_

"Richard, are you all right?"

Richard looks up at her, obviously surprised to have heard her voice. "Yeah," he says after a moment. "I'm fine."

But Kahlan isn't convinced. "Don't lie to a Confessor, Richard," she says.

He looks at her, a slightly confused expression on his face – she has forgotten he knows very little about Confessors – but finally dismisses her comment, his expression reverting back to what it was before. "I said I'm all right," he says.

"I don't believe you," she says. "And you shouldn't lie to me – I'm your friend." She decides not to bring up her title again. She hopes he'll be more inclined to tell a friend what's troubling him.

He looks reluctant to say anything. "I was just thinking about my dad," he admits finally, slowly. "And Michael… and all this Seeker business."

Kahlan nods in understanding. "I know how you feel," she says. At least, she knows most of it. "I wish more than anything that Dennee could be here with me."

"I wish I could have met your sister," says Richard. "She sounds like a wonderful person."

"She was," says Kahlan, her own mood suddenly starting to disintegrate into the same thing as Richard's.

"You know, I think my dad would have liked you, Kahlan," says Richard. "If he'd gotten the chance to meet you, that is."

"Really?" asks Kahlan.

"Yeah," says Richard. "The way you just made me tell you what was going on, and not letting me lie to you – that's something Dad would've done."

She hears the sadness enter his voice again. "I'm sorry about his death, Richard. It wasn't fair."

Richard shook his head. "No, it wasn't," he says. "But life's not fair, is it?" He doesn't sound like he wants a response, so Kahlan doesn't give him one. "But I'm glad you're here, Kahlan," he says after a moment. "At least I've got one person I trust."

"You've got Zedd, too," she says, unsure of how to handle the sudden compliment.

"Yeah, but he's Zedd," says Richard, a small smile creeping onto his lips. "The crazy chicken man and secret wizard of Blackthorn Hill," he adds, starting to laugh.

She laughs with him, happy that his mood has improved. She knows it's hard losing someone you love – she's done it enough times to be sure of that – but at the very least, she can try to help Richard deal with it. He's got a long road ahead of him, and there will be plenty more trials waiting for him. Kahlan only wishes she could take them away from him.

**Save Me – Shinedown  
**_I can hardly remember  
The look of my own eyes  
How can I love this a life so dishonest  
It made me compromise_

_The hardest question to answer  
Is why_

It starts with Richard's attempts to bind Renn's hands. In a moment, Kahlan's mind is sent backward, to a time and place where her own hands had been bound for disobedience. She can almost feel the ropes digging into her hands and the sting of her father's hands on her face.

"You will not bind his hands!" she calls out suddenly, once she is aware of herself again.

Richard looks up at her in surprise, obviously wondering why Kahlan is suddenly so upset. "It's okay," he says. "I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna make sure…"

But Kahlan doesn't let him finish. She moves forward quickly, grabs Richard's shoulder, and tells him firmly, "No, you will not." She stares into his eyes for a moment, as though trying to get him to understand. She will not let him do this.

He concedes, though he does not know why.

Later that evening, she and Richard try to convince Renn that Thandor is a good place for him to go. But he does not want to. He thinks that he is a bad person, so he should not be taken to a place with so much good.

His words resonate a bit too much with Kahlan. The more he speaks, the more Kahlan is reminded of her own past. He talks about the people he's hurt with his gift, despite the fact that he had no choice in the matter. And because of what he's done, he believes he's bad. That was exactly how Kahlan felt. And it still hurts.

It gets even harder when Renn mentions that what happened to her was just as bad, and she has to retell her story to Richard. She had hoped it would never come up. She does not give every detail, but tears flow down her cheeks nonetheless.

**Undenied – Portishead  
**_Now that I've found you  
And seen behind those eyes  
How can I  
Carry on_

Renn always used to think that all human minds are the same. From what he could see, all anyone ever cares about is finding a way to get their own way. People are greedy and selfish, and no one is any different.

At least, that's what he thought before he met Richard and Kahlan.

The thing that frustrates Renn is not being able to understand why someone thinks the way they do. He's very good at seeing _what_ people are thinking, and usually, he can understand why they think that way. He understands a lot about many different kinds of people. There aren't many he doesn't understand very well. Richard and Kahlan are two of them. It's very frustrating.

A lot of what Richard thinks, Renn can generally understand, especially when Richard thinks about Kahlan. Renn is no stranger to what men think about the women they love. Renn also understands when Richard gets upset or angry; those are emotions Renn knows very well. It is only when Richard thinks about Darken Rahl or his quest that Renn no longer understands Richard. He's not like any of the men Renn has ever met before.

Renn has never been much of an expert reading women. Their minds work differently than men's minds, he's noticed, and because he's a boy, it's easier to read men's minds. He's never met a Confessor before though, and never one like Kahlan. There are so many things in her mind that he doesn't understand.

And yet, there is one part of her he _does_ understand: the part that sounds an awful lot like him. When Richard attempts to bind his hands, he sees it in her eyes – a part of her that he hadn't noticed before. She had been forced to do terrible things, just like he had, and she had believed she was to blame.

As time goes by, Renn becomes more and more attached to these strangers with minds he doesn't understand. In fact, he almost becomes addicted to searching their minds, scanning for answers. He wants to know; he needs to understand.

It hurts to go to Thandor – not because he thinks it will be a bad place, but because he doesn't want to give up Richard and Kahlan. He realizes, without knowing why, that he loves them, and doesn't want them to leave. He leans on the promise that they will return one day, when this is all over.

It is the only thing that gets him through the day.


	3. Part 3

Part Three

**Avalanche – David Cook  
**_I feel alive beside you  
And all at once  
I am whole again._

_Carry me down  
Roll it in your arms  
Cause I can't remember  
Ever falling this hard_

It would be easier for Kahlan to ignore her feelings for Richard if everything he did didn't add to her affection for him.

When he catches her bathing by the waterfall, she is shocked and surprised by the sight of him, but is almost more shocked and surprised that she did not entirely mind the fact that he was watching her.

When she wakes from a magic-induced sleep to see him leaning over her, she cannot help noticing how perfectly handsome he is, how bright his eyes are.

When he insists on using magic to find Zedd, she is more than annoyed that he wants to use magic to solve his problems instead of his wits, but internally, she admires his dedication to his friend, no matter what anyone else says.

And when he finds Zedd without the magic, she is immeasurably proud of him, and very impressed by his natural abilities to find the truth – he is the Seeker, after all.

Everything he does, everything he says, it all seems to add the feelings she has for him. For any other person, it would just make their friendship stronger, but for her, it only makes her surer that she cares for him. She tries to ignore the feelings, to brush them aside as though they don't exist, but with Richard being who he is, it is impossible.

**The Tower – Vienna Teng  
**_The one who depends on the services she renders  
To those who come knocking  
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be  
What understanding defies _

_She says I need not to need  
Or else a love with intuition  
Someone who reaches out to my weakness  
And won't let go  
I need not to need  
I've always been the tower  
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow_

Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander is no fool. He knows a great many things about the world. And he is no stranger to love. He himself was in love once. He knows when a man is in love, and when he isn't.

Somehow, he knew from the beginning that Richard would fall for Kahlan. After all, Kahlan is a beautiful young woman, and Richard is a typical young man. Young men are easy to understand. From the first day of their journey, Zedd has seen Richard's attraction to the girl. It was only a matter of time before Richard's feelings developed into something more, especially since he has next to no knowledge about Confessors.

Zedd does not believe it is possible for a man to truly understand women. It is even more impossible to understand Confessors. Zedd is familiar with the Confessors' way of life, but it wasn't until he met Kahlan that he began to wonder how it is they can go about their way of life. He suddenly pities those women born with the gift. He may not know much about women – or Confessors, for that matter – but he knows love when he sees it, and it is blatantly and obviously present in Kahlan Amnell.

The thing is, he doesn't believe _she_ sees it. It is a mystery to him how blind young people can be when it comes to their own feelings and the feelings of others, but somehow, neither Kahlan nor Richard seems to realize just how much they care for each other, and the extent to which the other returns their feelings. He hates to be the bearer of bad news, but he feels that it is his duty to alert Kahlan to her own feelings, at least. Zedd knows he cannot do much about Richard's feelings, but Kahlan has not shared her secret yet, and that secret could make all the difference in the world.

He only wishes he could tell Kahlan that there is hope for her and Richard. There _is_ a way for them to be together, but Zedd must never tell them that. To tell them might plant seeds of doubt in their minds. For it to work, they must discover it on their own. It is their only chance. Zedd hates that he has to lie about the impossibility of the relationship, but it is necessary. He loves Richard and Kahlan too much to ruin their chances of happiness for his own sake.

Nothing is ever easy.

**Fall to Pieces – Avril Lavigne  
**_And I don't wanna fall to pieces  
I just want to sit and stare at you  
I don't want to talk about it  
And I don't want a conversation  
I just want to cry in front of you  
I don't want to talk about it  
Cuz I'm in love with you_

Kahlan knows that she needs to tell Richard the truth. Zedd has told her such, and she knows it within her own heart as well.

But that does not keep her from feeling afraid.

She isn't sure what she is afraid of, exactly. She tells Zedd that it is fear for the mission, that Richard will be distracted by this. But Zedd sees through that. Some part of her is afraid to reveal such information. She has never needed to do so before; every person in the Midlands and D'Hara knows what happens to the men Confessors choose as mates. Perhaps it is simply not knowing how to explain that frightens her.

But if she is to be completely honest with herself, she is most likely afraid because she fears that he does not share her feelings, and if he does, that he will lose those feelings. And the loss of Richard's affection for her would be worse than almost anything she could think of.

She knows it is selfish to think that way, but she is not just a Confessor, but a woman. And how can it be selfish to want what others take for granted?

**My Skin – Natalie Merchant  
**_Take a look at my body  
Look at my hands  
There's so much here  
That I don't understand_

_I've been treated so wrong  
I've been treated so long  
As if I'm becoming untouchable_

_Is it dark enough?  
Can you see me?  
Do you want me?  
Can you reach me?_

Kahlan has never been one to have nightmares, even as a child. (This fact only makes her more sure that what she has seen in something more than a nightmare – perhaps even a premonition.) But the nightmare that wakes her – the one in which she kills Richard – is not the first nightmare she has during the night.

"Dennee?" In the distance, Kahlan is sure she can see her sister. She runs toward her. "Dennee!"

Dennee turns and looks at Kahlan. She smiles. "Kahlan," she says.

"Dennee, I'm so happy to see you," says Kahlan, throwing her arms around her sister. "I've missed you."

Dennee does not answer. Instead, she pulls away. And when she does, she is no longer Dennee. Kahlan looks on in surprise as Dennee turns into Richard.

"Richard?" she asks, surprised.

"What are you doing?" he asks. "Why were you hugging me?"

"I… you…" she mutters, unable to say that he was Dennee only a moment ago.

"Get away from me, Confessor!" Richard says, backing away even farther. "Don't touch me!"

"Richard, I'm not going to touch you," she says, knowing that for some reason, he is worried about her power. It seems strange to her. She vaguely remembers that Richard in real life does not know much about her Confessor power. "What's wrong with you?"

"Get away!" he says again, then he turns and runs.

"Richard!" she shouts, and begins to run after him. She does not know how long she chases him, only that she needs to catch him so that she can find out what's wrong. Every now and then, she calls out his name. "Richard! Richard!"

Suddenly, a figure appears in front of her. She stops dead, face-to-face with Darken Rahl.

"Hello, Kahlan," he says. He walks forward, one hand outstretched.

She screams.

Then the dream shifts.

It is only much later, long after she has woken, that Kahlan remembers the dream. And it nearly makes her weep again.

**To Be With You – David Archuleta  
**_I've been alone so many nights now,  
And I've been waitin' for the stars to fall.  
I keep holdin' out for what I don't know  
To be with you, just to be with you._

_But this journey, it was worth the fight.  
To be with you, just to be  
__Holding you for the very first time, never letting go.  
What I wouldn't give to feel that way_

There are no words to accurately describe the sensations that Kahlan is feeling as her lips touch Richard's for the first time.

Even later, looking back, Kahlan is not able to explain exactly how she felt as that moment extended, seeming to go on forever, lighting up the night in eternal sunshine.

The second kiss, however, she can more accurately describe. It was full of need, a desperate need and desire that lingered as they kissed more fervently, more passionately. It was intoxicating, and nearly caused Kahlan to lose herself.

As she breaks away, she forces herself to hide the desire that lingers in her body and soul. She walks away from Richard, taking all of her effort to do so, and not to turn around and kiss him again, to touch him again, to love him again.

She knows it can never happen again, but she can never stop dreaming of that night, filled with light in the darkness, with hope in the bleakness, with Richard.

**Tomorrow – SR-71  
**_You never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded  
_'_Cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded  
__Things have changed, you've become a complication  
__Can't make it through another day's humiliation  
__I'm not afraid of tomorrow,  
__I'm only scared of myself_

"You will be betrayed by the one in white."

Those words fill Kahlan's head, every moment of every day, despite what Richard tries to tell her. The fact remains that she is a danger to him every day that she stays near him. Even without the prophecy, Kahlan would still be a danger to him. She will not admit it to Richard, for fear that he will not let it go once he knows, but she has feelings for him, and if they go unchecked, he will be lost forever.

She tries to keep herself distanced enough from him that she cannot hurt him, but she cannot help feeling that as long as they travel together, he is at risk. Shota may be a foul witch, but prophecies such as the one she quoted cannot be ignored or averted. And Kahlan is relatively sure she knows how this one will come to pass, especially after kissing Richard one night in the forest.

Kahlan tries to explain it to Zedd the next morning, but he will not listen. It frustrates her to no end. Zedd knows as well as she does that she can never be with Richard, and he has told her so himself, so why does he now seem to believe that the best course of action is to remain behind and work it out with Richard? Kahlan knows how stubborn Richard is, and refuses to put him in danger by revealing her true feelings for him.

But the worst part of the whole mess is telling Richard that she is leaving. He tries to argue against it, tries to convince her to stay. Finally, he asks her to look him in the eye and say that she does not have feelings for him.

And that is when Kahlan tells the second of the two most painful lies she will ever tell in her life.

**Arwen's Fate – Howard Shore  
**_Instrumental_

Kahlan does not get far from Richard before she is forced to stop, not by any outward force, but by the crushing force of an internal weight too heavy for her to carry alone. It has only been a few minutes since she spoke the lying words that temporarily severed her connection to Richard Cypher. But her legs suddenly can carry her weight no more, and without the will to go on, she cannot keep herself upright, so she sinks to the forest floor.

For a long time, she is not conscious of anything going on around her. In fact, she is not conscious of anything at all, except the pain that courses through her mind and heart and soul. It is as though the weight of the entire world has crashed down upon Kahlan, and she can hold it up no longer. She lies on the forest floor, too weary and broken to even shed tears. It is all she can do to keep herself breathing.

At last, not knowing how much time has passed, Kahlan summons enough strength of will and body to force herself to her feet. She cannot leave Richard without a Confessor; she must find Lara as soon as possible, and she is getting nowhere by laying here.

She marches for hours, her feet stumbling over branches and twigs she normally would easily have avoided. She has no conscious awareness of anything except the need to keep moving. Had anyone wanted to kill her now, it would have been easy. And she might have let them, perhaps even without a fight.

She marches until the darkness overtakes the forest around her, and she can see no more. She does not bother to look for a good place to rest for the night. She drops the pack, letting it slip easily from her shoulders. Then she drops to the floor, feeling wearier than she has ever been.

That night, the tears come at last, and Kahlan Amnell cries herself to sleep.

**One More – Superchick  
**_It feels like I have lost this fight  
They think that I am staying down  
But I'm not giving up tonight  
Tonight the wall is coming down  
I am stronger than my fears_

_I have everything to lose  
By not getting up to fight  
__I might get used to giving up  
__So I am showing up tonight  
I am my own enemy  
The battle fought within my mind  
If I can overcome step one  
I can face the 99_

When Zedd tells her that Richard has been captured by a Mord-Sith, Kahlan's world turns upside-down. She knows what a Mord-Sith is, and what they can do. Next to being dead, being in the hands of a Mord-Sith is the worst place Richard can be. In fact, it might be even worse than being dead.

But she does not want Lara to order the Confessed villagers into battle. It makes Kahlan extremely angry that any Confessor would stoop to use her power on an entire village. It goes against everything Confessors stand for, and Kahlan cannot believe Lara would forget something like that.

It comes down to an internal struggle for Kahlan. On the one hand, Richard's life could depend on using these villagers to fight their way into the Mord-Sith temple. But on the other hand, the villagers are innocent, and do not deserve to lose their lives fighting for the sake of a Confessor. It was instilled in Kahlan very early on that innocent people should not be forced to do things they do not wish to do. She wants Richard safe, but not at the expense of these people's lives.

Finally, despite her own fear, Kahlan begs Zedd and Lara to let her try to get through to Richard first. It is extremely dangerous, walking into a Mord-Sith temple unaided, especially because she is a Confessor. But she has to try. Her mission to protect the Seeker – and her duty to the people of the Midlands – is more important than her own life, anyway.

**I Did It For You – David Cook  
**_Today's not the same  
As every day  
It's far from ordinary  
The pain I endure  
You're my cure  
But my mistakes have led me  
Far away from you_

_I searched my soul  
And all these feelings  
That I can't control  
And you're the one thing  
That can make me whole  
I did it for you_

"Shota was right! You have betrayed me!" His voice sounded so angry. He had never been so angry with her before.

"I betrayed you by leaving," she said quietly, leaning back against the wall of her prison cell. "If I'd have stayed with you, none of this would have happened."

The thought hadn't come to her until a moment ago, but now that it had, she couldn't stop thinking of it. Perhaps this _had_ been the betrayal that Shota had predicted. She couldn't think of any worse betrayal to the Seeker's safety than his Confessor leaving him.

For what seems like forever, they are silent. Kahlan expects Richard to withdraw, to move away from the small hole in the door, unable to look at her anymore. She knows how angry he must be with her, for she feels angry at herself. But he never moves. The only sound is that of their labored breathing, but not of a shifting body.

She does not know how long has passed – it could be minutes, or it could be hours. At last, Richard's voice pierces the silence. "Then why did you leave?" he asks. His voice has no trace of anger left in it.

But Kahlan still cannot bring herself to look him in the eye yet, especially now that she has realized what she has done to him. "I was afraid," she admits, her voice quiet. "I was afraid of hurting you. I thought… I thought I was protecting you by leaving… but I wasn't."

She knows, in that moment, that she should tell Richard the truth. It would explain why she did what she did, or at least, it would help. But her fear gets the better of her again, and she keeps her mouth shut.

"I told you you didn't have to be afraid," says Richard. "I trust you, Kahlan, and that's not about to change."

Kahlan shuts her eyes, guilt washing over her. She longs to tell him just how much she knows that what he says is true, and how much she truly cares for him. But the words fail her, hiding behind the fear that is so deeply ingrained in her being.

A sudden noise causes Kahlan's eyes to jerk open. A door slams open from somewhere outside her cell, and she realizes with a jolt that soldiers are coming. She expects them to come for her, since she is the one locked in the dungeon, but instead, they lift Richard off the ground and begin to drag him away.

"Richard!" Kahlan calls out, her voice barely allowing her more than a soft cry. He lifts his head slightly to look at her as they drag him away, and for a moment, she almost sees the fire in his eyes. But a moment later, his head drops again, and he and the soldiers are gone. The door slams behind them. "Richard," Kahlan whispers, though no one can hear her.

**Who Wants to Live Forever – Breaking Benjamin  
**_There's no time for us.  
There's no place for us.  
What is this thing that builds our dreams,  
Yet slips away from us?_

_There's no chance for us.  
It's all decided for us.  
This world has only one sweet moment,  
Set aside for us._

Duty is a word that Kahlan knows very well. All her life has been about her duties – to protect her sister, to be a good Confessor, to seek the truth, to find the Seeker, to protect the Seeker with her life. This last duty – protecting the Seeker – is both the most natural and the most difficult duty she has ever faced. Tonight, it is one of the most difficult.

There really aren't words to say to amend the situation. The truth has come out; they both have feelings for each other. And now, because of her fear, and because of Denna's cruelty, he now knows the truth about why they can never be together.

Inside, she longs to rejoice in the knowledge that Richard loves her. She wants to embrace this love with all that she is and has. But she cannot, and the reality of it all weighs more heavily down on her than it ever has before. On the inside, she is a woman experiencing first love. But on the outside, she must be a Confessor, who cannot and will not subject the Seeker – the man she loves – to danger, not even from herself.

It is not the first time she wishes she did not have this power. If she did not, she could be with Richard forever, and there would be no danger in it. But then, she knows that if she were not a Confessor, she would never have been sent to Westland to find the Seeker, and she would never have met Richard. Fate is a cruel master, she decides, to give her something she desires so much, yet to place on her a burden that will not allow her to have it.

She thinks that Richard's words, while painful, sum up exactly what she feels. "If there is one thing Denna taught me," he says, "it's how to suffer in silence." And suffer she does, every day and night. Yet she must do as Richard says, and suffer in silence. She has become very good at that, as all Confessors do. It is a part of her life, and she must accept it, no matter how difficult it may be.

**Memories – Within Temptation  
**_Hope there is a way,  
To give me a sign you're okay.  
Reminds me again it's worth it all,  
So I can go home._

_Together in all these memories,  
I see your smile.  
All of the memories I hold dear.  
Darling you know I'll love you,  
Till the end of time_

From the moment she hears that Dennee is not dead, but alive, Kahlan practically becomes obsessed with finding her. At first, joy is her only emotion. Then, slowly, guilt creeps in, and fills every part of her. If she hadn't left her for dead, Dennee would not be in Rahl's hands right now – which is where she surely must be, if none of the other Confessors had known that she is alive.

The others do not understand Kahlan's need to find Dennee – not even those who had known Dennee themselves can understand this obsession. But they did not give up most of their lives to defend and protect and shelter and love Dennee; Kahlan did. To learn that her beloved sister – the last family she has left, and can ever have – is still alive, it is a blessing beyond imagining. And yet, Dennee is in trouble, and Kahlan will not let her sister down again. She _cannot_ let Dennee down again.

When, at last, they find Dennee, Kahlan rejoices, though her sister is being held in a D'Haran prison. Once she – and her baby, the spirits be praised! – are out, Kahlan feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Strangely enough, it isn't only because she has succeeded in making her sister safe again. For some reason, she suddenly feels the weight of responsibility for Dennee beginning to lift. For so long, she has been weighed down by being a mother-like figure for Dennee. Perhaps it is time to let go, and let Dennee care for herself now.

But that does not mean she will ever stop loving Dennee. _That_, she knows, could never happen.

**We Are Broken – Paramore  
**_I am outside  
And I've been waiting for the sun  
With my wide eyes  
I've seen worlds that don't belong  
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize  
Tell me why we live like this_

_Cause we are broken  
What must we do to restore  
Our innocence  
And all the promise we adored  
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole_

When Kahlan had been a small girl, when her mother had still been alive, she had been taught what Confessors stand for, and what they don't. She had learned that Confessors are the bringers and upholders of truth and justice in the world. This knowledge has always been what has gotten Kahlan through some of her worst trials. When her father hurt her and Dennee, she trusted in the fact that she was a Confessor, and there were ways she should act, and ways she must not. Throughout her life, she has been strengthened by her belief in the ways of Confessors.

And now, her world view is beginning to shatter, as she watches what has become of the order of Confessors.

To find out that they are running from the fight for justice is only the least of the troubles. Nevertheless, it makes Kahlan angry that they would run, rather than fight. She understood fleeing from the Wizard's Keep, when it was vital to the survival to the Midlands, but to run and hide away completely? That is another matter entirely.

The suggestion that they desert Dennee also infuriates Kahlan. For thousands of years, the Confessors have stuck together, for they are all they have. To even think of deserting a fellow Confessor, of leaving her to Rahl, has to be one of the worst betrayals of Confessor values that Kahlan has heard of.

And then, Dennee bears a boy child, and all joy among the group vanishes in an instant. As is his nature, Richard refuses to let the child be harmed. Kahlan tries to defend their ways, attempting in vain to hold onto some shred of the culture she inherited as a Confessor. But it does not take much for Richard to convince her that she is wrong, that killing the child is going against everything they are fighting for.

But things only get worse. Kahlan watches in horror as Serena – who has been the Mother Confessor since Kahlan's childhood – actually Confesses Zedd in an attempt to get the child from Richard and Kahlan's grasp. Kahlan cannot believe that any Confessor would purposefully harm the only wizard fighting for their side. This, Kahlan realizes, is the worst betrayal yet.

Fortunately, with Serena's death comes a change in the heart of the order of Confessors. Even stranger to Kahlan, the other Confessors choose her to be their Mother Confessor. She knows that the position is usually passed from mother to daughter, and so should be hers or Dennee's by right, but it still surprises her that they would choose her to be their leader.

Nevertheless, her view of her own people has been altered, and it will take time to build up trust in the name Confessor again.

**Harbor – Vienna Teng  
**_You've got a journey to make  
There's your horizon to chase  
So go far beyond where we stand  
No matter the distance  
I'm holding your hand_

_Sail your sea  
Meet your storm  
All I want is to be your harbor  
The light in me  
Will guide you home  
All I want is to be your harbor_

Saying good-bye is never easy. But even though she has no idea whether she'll ever see Dennee again, she is glad that she got to say this good-bye. Her sister is alive and well, and that is all that matters.

Now, as they stand upon the shore, Kahlan feels tears beginning to well up in her eyes, springing both out of sadness and joy. She is sad to see Dennee go, but could not be happier to see her at all.

"You know," says Dennee, as they watch the others prepare the rowboat that will take Dennee, Finn, and their son across the sea, "during all those days in that prison, I dreamed of seeing you again, Kahlan. I never thought I'd get the chance." She pauses, then chuckles slightly, and adds, "But you had it worse, I suppose, in that respect. For all you knew, I was dead, and you would never see me again."

"It wasn't easy leaving you there, Dennee," says Kahlan. "It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do."

"You'll face harder than that, I fear," says Dennee. "Especially with that Seeker of yours."

She says no more, but Kahlan knows where she is getting at. "I will find a way," Kahlan says simply, attempting to be as vague as possible, yet confident in her answer. She still cannot completely shake her protective nature toward her sister, even though it is no longer necessary.

"Of course you will," says Dennee. She turns to Kahlan now, and takes her sister's hand. "You always find a way to take care of everything. But please, Kahlan, don't forget to take care of yourself, too. You're just as important as anyone else. I promise you that."

Kahlan smiles, but isn't quite sure that she is able to do that. "I will try, Dennee. I can't promise you more than that."

"That's enough," says Dennee, and with that, she throws her arms around Kahlan, and they share a long embrace, just as the others finish with the boat.

"Thank you for coming back for me," Dennee says at last, breaking away from the hug.

Kahlan smiles, but she is on the verge of crying. "I asked the spirits to protect you," she says, "and they did."

Dennee is smiling as well, and the two sisters share a quick kiss. Then, just before Dennee has the chance to go and join her husband and son, Kahlan whispers something to her.

"I love you, Dennee."

"Forever and always?"

"Always and forever."

**All I Need – Within Temptation  
**_I'm here on the edge again  
I wish I could let it go  
I know that I'm only one step away  
From turning around _

_Can you still see the heart of me?  
All my agony fades away  
When you hold me in your embrace_

No one has the power to alter or change a Confessor's power. No one. So there must be something wrong with her. For because of her, an innocent man has died – an innocent man who claimed under Confession that he committed the crime.

The moment she finds out, Kahlan can hardly believe her ears. It is impossible; no one can lie while under Confession. And why would a man lie about murdering another man? Something is wrong with her, and she does not know what?

Richard at first tries to convince her that some kind of magic must have been working against her. But that is impossible, she tells him. Not even a wizard of the First Order can work against a Confessor.

Inside, she is falling apart. First, she lost faith in her order; what she thought she knew about the order of Confessors was broken with the betrayal of the former Mother Confessor. But now, she has not only lost faith in her order, but the one thing left to her – her faith in her power – is being thrown aside as though it were nothing. How could this be? Could the one thing that makes her who she is be little more than a lie?

But in Richard, she finds comfort. He believes in her, no matter whether she has her power or not. He tells her that she is more than just what her power makes her; she is important. And as he holds her to him, the agony she feels in her heart temporarily fades away. It does not eliminate the pain, but for the moment, she feels whole again.

At the very least, one person in the world believes in her. And one person is all she needs.

**My Last Breath – Evanescence  
**_Hold on to me love  
You know I can't stay long  
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid  
Can you hear me?  
Can you feel me in your arms?_

_Closing your eyes to disappear  
You pray your dreams will leave you here  
But still you wake and know the truth  
No one's there_

Kahlan is growing desperate. If they don't do something fast, Richard will be lost in a dream world forever. Zedd hasn't been able to bring him out of it through magic. He doesn't seem to believe it's possible to save Richard now.

"No," she insists, moving closer to him. She _can't_ lose Richard, not now. "I can get through – I know I can." She studies his face, eyes wide awake, but fast asleep and dreaming. "Richard, it's me – Kahlan," she tells him, willing him to hear her with all her heart. "Don't listen to what they're telling you. Remember all the things we've been through." Somewhere in the back of her mind, she thinks of some of those times – times she never wants to forget, and even times she would rather never think of again. "Think of me, Richard. I'm right here." She begins to feel tears starting to well up in her eyes, and tries to force them back. "I need you, Richard," she admits to him. "I need you here with me."

An image comes into her head at that moment – an image of their kisses in the forest. Ignoring the presence of Zedd sitting nearby, she continues. "That night in the forest…" She pauses for a moment, thinking longingly of that night. "…I never wanted that kiss to end. And the next day, when you stopped me on the path…" She breaks off, remembering the terrible lie she had to tell. "…and I told you I didn't share your feelings…" Breaking off again, she feels the tears welling up again. "But that was a lie. This is the truth – I love you, Richard." She smiles, though the tears are still in her eyes.

She waits for a moment, hoping that she has done enough. "Richard, come back," she begs.

But then he begins to speak again. "It's a kind of tree that doesn't grow near here."

"No!" cries Zedd.

Kahlan takes Richard's head in her hands. "Please come back to me," she says, tears now starting to fall from her eyes. "I love you, Richard." All at once, a single tear fall from her cheeks and lands in his palm. And then another falls. But she hardly notices. All she knows is that Richard has not returned, and she cannot bear to lose him.

So she tries another approach, taking his head in her hands again. "You are the Seeker," she tells him. "Whatever lies they're telling you, use your inner power – the power to see the truth." She only hopes he can hear her, somehow. "See it," she tells him. "See the truth." _Please, Richard. Come back to me. I love you_.

Suddenly, he jerks upright with a scream. Kahlan can hardly contain her joy as he looks around and sees them again for the first time. "Zedd, Kahlan… we need to dig up the box – fast!" And off he runs. But Kahlan, giddy as a young girl, looks at Zedd and smiles.


	4. Part 4

Part Four

**Poison – Tarja Turunen  
**_I want to love you but I better not touch  
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop  
I want to kiss you but I want it too much_

When Kahlan opens her eyes, she is lying on the floor of the crypt, dressed only in her undergarments. She looks up at Zedd, who stands over her, then walks past her. She pulls herself up onto her elbows, unsure of what has happened. She looks to the other side of the crypt, where Richard lies half-naked on the floor. Her white dress lies discarded nearby.

"Richard..." she murmurs, trying to remember. The last thing she remembers is Kieran, encased in Richard's body, casting a spell to send Viviane into her. It only takes her a moment or two to realized what must have just happened. Her eyes go wide in shock.

"Richard!" she calls out again, pushing herself up all the way and hurrying toward him. She grabs his face and shakes him slightly. "Please, tell me you haven't been Confessed." She nearly feels like crying. If they had done what she thought they did, then there was no hope for the mission.

Richard looks at her, a strange look on his face. "No, of course not," he says. "Why would I be Confessed?"

_He doesn't know_, she realizes. Suddenly, her cheeks begin to redden. Maybe they hadn't, not quite.

"What is it?" he asks. "What happened?"

She chooses not to mention anything that has to do with their current state of undress, at least not right away. "You were possessed, Richard, by Kieran. Then he cast a spell to send Viviane's spirit into me. That's the last I remember." She feels her cheeks still reddening.

For the first time, Richard seems to suddenly realize how few clothes they are wearing. He gazes up and down her body, then looks down at himself. "Kahlan…" he says slowly, "… why are we dressed like this?"

Kahlan suddenly can't meet his eyes. "I… I think we… I mean… I think… Kieran and Viviane…"

"I got it," says Richard, relieving Kahlan of the need to say more. "That's why you were worried about me being Confessed, wasn't it?"

Kahlan nods. "I'm sorry, Richard. If they had gotten far enough, the mission would have been lost."

"Don't be sorry, Kahlan," says Richard. He moves to put his hands on her shoulders, like he usually does when he is trying to comfort her, but quickly stops. "It wasn't your fault. I know you would never hurt me."

She smiles weakly at him. He always knows the right thing to say.

Before they can say more, Zedd returns. Kahlan quickly decides that it's time for a better explanation, even if it might turn out to be a bit… embarrassing.

**Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park  
**_I'm strong on the surface  
Not all the way through  
I've never been perfect  
But neither have you_

_When my time comes  
Forget the wrong that I've done  
Help me leave behind some  
Reasons to be missed  
Don't resent me  
And when you're feeling empty  
Keep me in your memory  
Leave out all the rest_

Richard has never really been angry with Kahlan before. A few times he's been upset with her, but usually over something stupid that he got over very quickly. She's never seen him truly angry with her… until now.

Of course, it's probably all her fault.

"Richard, you deserve a normal life," she says one evening, repeating things she's told him many times. "You can't have that with me. There's no future for us. I'm too dangerous for you."

"Why do you keep saying that?" he demands. "I've told you a million times – I don't care!"

"But you should care!" she argues back. "Richard, I would only hurt you! I can't do that to you, I just can't."

He grabs her shoulders and forces her to look at him. "I don't care," he says. "I love you, Kahlan, and that isn't about to change. It won't be easy, I know. But I can't live without you, Kahlan. I can't, and I won't."

She tears away from his grasp and turns away, tears starting to form in her eyes as she shakes her head back and forth. "Richard, please," she says. "I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you."

"You won't," he says, coming toward her and taking her hands in his. He lifts one hand to cup her chin, lifting her face to look at him. "You won't. We'll find a way."

"Richard…"

"This isn't about me, is it?" he asks suddenly. "You're scared, aren't you? You're scared you'll hurt, like you did all those times you hurt people you didn't want to. You don't think you're strong enough, do you?"

She stares into his eyes, stunned. "No… no, it's not… it's not that," she stammers.

"Kahlan, you're stronger than you think you are," says Richard. "I've seen you this whole time, and you're not weak. You're not perfect, but _nobody's_ perfect. I know you haven't always done everything right, but I don't care."

"But what if I hurt _you_?" Kahlan asks. "What if you're one of my mistakes?"

"That's not going to happen," he insists. "I love you, no matter what you've done, and I know you won't hurt me. We'll figure it out – together. I promise."

She looks into his eyes, and knows he speaks the truth. For some reason she can't understand, he doesn't care. She doesn't understand why, but she's grateful.

**Do What You Have To Do – Sarah McLachlan  
**_What ravages of spirit  
conjured this temptuous rage,  
created you a monster,  
broken by the rule of love?_

_A glowing ember, burning hot,  
And burning slow.  
Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence  
of existing for only you._

Pain.

Fear.

These are the only emotions inside her, filling her completely. There is no joy, no hope, no peace.

"Such a pity you never had a potion such as this…"

"Being unable to express your love for each other… such a fate in unimaginable."

"…your touch will no longer be a threat to anyone."

"You have carried the burden of your powers for so long, Kahlan."

He is a liar, but each of these things he says is true. Only her knowledge of the truth of his evil keeps her from succumbing to his words, to his will.

So then he turns to Richard.

"Why kill you, when I can turn the Seeker into a devoted servant?"

The physical pain she feels in that moment is nothing next to the fear in her heart.

"You will be the first one I Confess."

Tears flow from her eyes as the final instrument pierces her neck. The words ring in her head. The fear in overwhelming.

Giller stands back and begins to chant the words. A struggle begins, deep within Kahlan's being. The wizard's magic enters her body through his instruments, searching and seeking out her power, determined to yank it from her. But her power fights back. It is inborn within her, and will not go easily. Her body begins to shake from the pure power of the struggle within her.

But something else is happening. Her power is drawing on something else, feeding on something else. Through the struggle, a gateway is opened. And through that gateway flows her fear, her anger, and her rage. Her power feeds on the emotions flowing through the gateway. Suddenly, it is no longer fighting just to stay within her; it is become a force of vengeance, unstoppable, untamable.

With a scream, her body ceases its shaking. Her eyes close for a moment, the power building, waiting to strike.

And then Kahlan Amnell is no more. All that is is the Con Dar, the Blood Rage.

**Over and Over – Three Days Grace  
**_I feel it every day; it's all the same  
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame  
I've tried everything to get away  
So here I go again  
Chasing you down again  
Why do I do this?_

_So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head  
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead  
I know what's best for me  
But I want you instead_

Kahlan tries her hardest, but no matter what she does, she can't get Richard out of her head.

The worst part is, she doesn't know what she can do about it.

She's tried ignoring her feelings for Richard. That failed. She only succeeded in falling more in love with him.

She's tried running from Richard. That failed. She only succeeded in betraying him and nearly losing him to Denna.

She's tried denying herself the right to have Richard by convincing him to go back to another life after this is all over. That failed. Every time she does it, she only succeeds in getting him to admit his devotion for her again.

She's tried everything she can think of. But still she cares for him. No matter what she does, it always come back to haunt her, and even stronger than before. She doesn't know what to do anymore.

**Good Enough – Evanescence  
**_And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.  
I can't say no to you._

_Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.  
Now I can't let go of this dream.  
Can't believe that I feel  
__Good enough,  
I feel good enough for you._

Kahlan cannot remember the last time she felt worthy of doing anything for anyone, of being loved by anyone. She's never even felt worthy of Dennee's love; she has never understood why Dennee cares for her so much, even though Kahlan has failed her again and again. Kahlan has never believed herself worthy of anyone's love.

So it feels exceptionally strange to think that she might just be good enough for Richard.

When that feeling first appears, Kahlan does not recognize it. She does not understand what it is, because she's never felt it before. It takes a while for her to finally realize that she feels, for no obvious reason, like she's worthy of Richard's affection. And that realization scares her.

She knows what she's done. She knows she's betrayed him. She also knows that he doesn't care about any of that. But she still doesn't know why she suddenly feels good enough for him. How could she ever think herself good enough for him? She shouldn't feel like that. Has she lost her mind?

No, she realizes, she hasn't lost her mind; she's lost her heart and soul on top of it. Her mind, heart, and soul all belong to Richard now. And for some reason that she can't comprehend, she feels worthy enough to present these things to him.

It is then that she remembers something Dalia, the Sister of Light she loved so dearly, tried to teach her throughout the extent of her stay in Thandor. Dalia had always told her that she was just as important, was just as good and special and worthy of love as any other person in the world. Until now, Kahlan has never really believed it. She does not know why it could possibly be true, only that it is, and she is very, very glad it is.

She's also very glad she's lost her mind, and her heart, and her soul, all to Richard Cypher.

**Declaration – David Cook  
**_I'll take you just the way you are  
Imperfect words inside the perfect song  
I feel you closer than you are  
And I've been waiting far too long,  
Too long_

_It's my declaration  
To anyone whose listening  
You're my inspiration  
As I stand alone against the world  
Cause you love,  
And you bleed,  
And you stole my soul to set me free  
It's my declaration_

"Richard, can I talk to you?"

"Of course. What is it? Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong. In fact, it's quite the opposite."

"What? Are you all right, Kahlan?"

"Yes, unbelievably yes."

"What's happened? Did Zedd say something funny to you that I missed? Actually, I doubt it's that – he's not that funny."

"No, it's not Zedd. It's you, Richard."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. You make me happy, Richard."

"I'm glad. You make me happy too, Kahlan."

"That's why I've decided to stop trying to convince you not to love me."

"What?"

"You heard me. I'm not going to try to tell you to stop loving me – at least, not on purpose. It might slip out accidentally now and then – old habit."

"Are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious. Richard, I love you, and I've been stupid to try and convince myself otherwise. I don't know how it's going to work out, but I know that you're right – the only unimaginable fate is one without you. And I don't want to have that fate – I can't."

"Then you won't. I promise, Kahlan, we'll figure it out."

"I know, Richard. I know."

**Not Alone – Patty Griffin  
**_One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein  
There were people running, a flash of light  
Then everything changed  
Nothing really matters in the end you know  
All the worries sever  
Don't be afraid for me, my friend,  
__One day we all fall down forever_

"Kahlan, what do you suppose will happen if we don't succeed? If we die before I get the chance to kill Rahl?"

Kahlan doesn't have an answer for Richard's question right away. She sits silently for a moment, pondering what he asks. She has thought before about what will happen if they fail, but she has stopped thinking about it most of the time, so it is an unexpected question.

"Then there will be a new Seeker," she says quietly. "The prophecy must be fulfilled, and the Midlands must be saved. Whether by your hand or the hand of another Seeker…" It pains her to speak these words. "… Darken Rahl will fall. He must."

Richard doesn't respond to that. "Can you believe all the times we've almost died?" he asks. "Most people only have one near-death experience, if any at all, and we've had too many to count."

Kahlan nods. "Most people are not the Seeker," she says. "Most people are not actively pursued and hunted by Darken Rahl."

"You're right about that," says Richard. "Still…" He breaks off, not finishing the sentence.

"What brings this on?" Kahlan asks. "Why all the talk about death?"

Richard shifts around in his seat. "I was just thinking… there's a very good chance we _won't_ survive this mission. I don't know; it just came into my mind."

Kahlan has known all along that the chance of them dying is great. She has been ready to lay down her life for Richard time and time again. She is no stranger to the idea of failure, of death. The idea of death has never bothered her, not even when she was a child. She accepts it as part of life, and is not afraid to go through it.

Her only wish, now as she is sitting here watching Richard like he's an addiction she can't get rid of, is that she will be the first to die, for if he goes first, she does not think she will survive him long.

**In the Middle – Theory of a Deadman  
**_What would you do if we woke up and the whole world was gone?  
Well, would you believe with me is where you belong?  
Well there goes the world and we're right in the middle_

_As the city crumbles I see that there's nothing left behind  
As we lay here together I feel your heart beat with mine  
With time standing still, here is where we've always been  
Well there goes the world and we're right in the middle again_

A knife's edge has never looked so good. Right at that moment, Kahlan only wishes it were inside her heart.

She has failed. And through her failure, Richard has failed. And because Richard has failed, Darken Rahl will win, and the Midlands will fall. Everything is lost.

But that is not why she wishes the knife were in her heart. Earlier today, she plunged a much more painful dagger into her heart; earlier today, she used her power against the man she loved. She watched in horror as Richard gave Rahl the information he needed, for Richard was now under Confession, and he had to tell the truth. He was her slave now – mind, heart, and soul.

And she would rather die than be his mistress. She holds the knife by her chest now, ready to plunge it into her heart, ready to die to free Richard from the hold she has on him.

But something is keeping her from doing it, and she does not know what. She sits here, by the pool, unable to take the final step, unable to wield her final blow.

"Kahlan!"

His voice calls to her as though from a distant past. It takes her a moment to realize that he is actually standing behind her now. "Richard, please go," she says. "I do not want you to see this."

But there is no sound of footsteps. "Richard, I said, go," she says again. Her voice is cracking from holding back tears, but she manages to speak forcefully.

But still, there is no sound. Instead, he kneels down beside her. With one hand, he moves the knife away from her heart. With the other, he cups her chin and turns her face toward his. There is only compassion and concern in his eyes. "No," he tells her, about as firmly as she had commanded him.

She cannot speak; she is too startled and confused to know what to say. "You… but… what?"

"I said, no," says Richard. "I won't go. I don't want to see this either, and the only way I can keep that from happening is to stop you doing it."

"But… but I touched you… I felt the power!" she stammers on, unable to comprehend what's going on. "You shouldn't be able to refuse me anything!"

"I haven't been Confessed, Kahlan," says Richard. "Your power can't touch me."

"What?" asks Kahlan. "How?"

"By my love for you," says Richard. "I'm protected by my love for you. You said once that a Confessor's power makes a person fall in love with you. They're completely devoted to you, no matter what you say or do, and nothing can change that." He takes his other hand, which has put down the knife, and raises it, so that he is holding both sides of her face in his hands. "I'm already in love with you, Kahlan. There's nothing your power can do to make me more in love with you."

Kahlan cannot believe what she is hearing. Is it possible? Could it be true? As she stares into Richard's eyes, she knows that it is, and her heart leaps with a kind of joy that she has never known before. Before she can stop herself, she falls into his arms and kisses him as hard and as passionately as she has ever done before. For there is no danger now; Richard is hers, now and forevermore.

**Dante's Prayer – Loreena McKennitt  
**_When the dark wood fell before me  
And all the paths were overgrown  
When the priests of pride say there is no other way  
I tilled the sorrows of stone_

_I did not believe because I could not see  
Though you came to me in the night  
When the dawn seemed forever lost  
You showed me your love in the light of the stars_

In the middle of the forest, there is a place where, through the tree-tops, one can see the stars shine as clearly as though one were not standing in the middle of a forest, but on the top of a mountain. Here, the grass is soft and green, and the world seems little more than a distant memory.

It is not the first time that Kahlan and Richard have been in this place. They rested here with Zedd on their journey through the Midlands. But tonight, they are no longer on a journey, and they are alone in this place of wonder. The night has fallen, and the stars are shining on the two of them as they stand in the middle of the clearing.

For a time, they only stand there, Kahlan's hands enclosed in Richard's. She gazes into the depths of his eyes, and he gazes back into the depths of hers. And then, without a sound, they lean forward, and their lips touch. His hands leave hers to reach up to cradle her head, while her arms wrap themselves around him.

They do not speak as her dress falls to the ground, or as she lifts his shirt over his head. They take their time, for they are in no hurry here. Each piece of clothing removed leads to more kisses, more caresses, more soft touches. She gazes upon the beauty of his form, and does not shy away as he regards hers. Soon, as they stand in the center of the clearing, there is nothing but skin between them.

She delights in the pleasure he gives, and returns the favor as she is able. She tries not to close her eyes, wanting nothing more than to see him, still barely able to believe that she can have him, that this love of hers is real. But his caresses are sometimes too overwhelming, and her eyes shut of their own accord. But they always open again, and each time they do, she is delighted to see the man above her.

In the distance, she can see the stars, shining brightly down upon the two lovers in the clearing. But as they come together, she and her love, she can no longer see anything but him. She feels her power surge out of her, giving her release. She feels the soft touch of his skin against hers, and wishes for this to never end.

As Richard comes to lie beside her, she has eyes for nothing but him, and when her eyes are too weary to see more, she falls asleep in his warm and comforting arms.

She does not see how much brighter the stars shine as they look down on the happiness of the two lovers beneath them. She does not see that they seem to smile as they keep watch over the night.

**Shine – Vienna Teng  
**_In this desert land  
I know some rain must fall  
See where we began  
We've come so far  
On this harbor shore  
We hear the ocean call  
In our minds at war  
We have so far to go_

_Shine with all the untold  
Hold the light given unto you  
Find the love to unfold  
In this broken world we choose_

_In unending storms  
We search for space to breathe  
How our hearts are worn  
We've come so far  
In this desert  
How we blossom and we cease  
Tell your story now  
We have so much to know_

"So, what comes next?"

"Hmmm?" Kahlan, previously lost in thought, looks over at Richard.

"Now that we've defeated Rahl, what do you think comes next?" he asks. "Are there more adventures ahead for the Seeker and his Confessor?" He gives her a small smile as he says the last bit.

"I don't know," she says. "I never thought about what I'd do after Rahl's death. I guess I either assumed I wouldn't live to see it, or I'd just go back to being a Confessor again once it was all over." She gives Richard a smile of her own as she continues. "I never counted on falling in love with the Seeker."

"Well, I highly doubt we're going to have nice, quiet lives," says Richard. "Apparently, we're quite important people who've got lots of responsibilities."

She laughs a little at his words. He's very good at that – making her laugh. "No," she says, agreeing with him. "Nice and quiet doesn't fit us very well, does it?"

"Still," says Richard, his voice a little more serious now. "As long as I'm with you, Kahlan, I don't care what the world throws at me. When you're with me, I can handle anything."

"I could say the same thing about you, Seeker," says Kahlan. "And I wouldn't be lying."

"Good," says Richard. "I wouldn't want to have to say that the Mother Confessor's started lying."

She laughs again, unable to control herself. "Oh, I love you, Richard," she says. "I truly do." She leans forward and gives him a small kiss. "And whatever the world sends our way, we'll be able to face it – together."

**Shenandoah – Sir James Galway  
**_Instrumental_

A woman in white stands upon the balcony of the highest tower in Aydindril. The city no longer looks quite as it once was, but nevertheless, to Kahlan's eyes, it is beautiful. From here, she can see so far that she almost believes she can see all the Midlands. She knows she cannot see that far, but she likes to imagine that she can see all the way to Westland or D'Hara from here.

"Mommy?"

A voice behind her pulls her out of her reverie. She does not need to turn to know to whom the voice belongs, but she turns anyway. A small girl stands in the doorway, staring anxiously at Kahlan.

"Yes, Alehra dear?" she asks. "What is it?"

Alehra takes a step forward. "Daddy and Renn said it's time for dinner," she says. "They told me to come get you."

Kahlan smiles. "Go, run and tell them I'll be right there," she says.

"Okay, Mommy," says Alehra, and with a smile, she darts out the door and back down the corridor.

Kahlan sighs, a satisfied smile on her face. How did it come to pass that she, of all people, should be blessed with such good things? She has a husband who is able to love her without fear – something no other Confessor has. Only one other Confessor has a son, and though she did not give birth to Renn, she still loves him as though he were her own. And what other Confessor has a daughter whose father loves her just because she is his daughter, and not because her mother loves her?

She smiles again, placing her hands on her belly. She hasn't told Richard yet, but within the year, the Mother Confessor will bear another child, and if the spirits are good to them, another daughter will join their family. She plans to give the others the news soon, but for now, it is like a precious secret that only she knows. And for now, that is all she needs.

Gazing out the window again, Kahlan looks down at the city, and out toward the rest of the Midlands and the rest of the world. She would never have guessed, not even in her wildest dreams, that everything would have worked out the way that it did. There have been trials, and many more are sure to follow, Kahlan knows, but somehow, the world has become a free place, and Kahlan was, in part, at the heart of it.

Slowly, she moves away from the window, tearing her gaze away from the world beyond. Many more good things are waiting for her down below her feet – not the least of which is a good, warm meal, which she will share and enjoy with her family.


End file.
